My Project in June

Hey! So I'm doing this in June. It's off to a great start--the first one had to reschedule due to work changing. But hey, there's still 27 days in the month.

Find Me On Facebook

Saturday night I attended a dinner and dance event for singles in the Kansas City area. Despite feeling way too old to be there, I danced the night away with friends from my ward. The DJ for the night was set on playing slow songs, much to my annoyance. Slow songs in general don't bother me, but when it is a dance where you have not come with a date, the absolute last thing I want is for some stranger to put his hands on me when I'm all sweaty from dancing to the fast songs.

But I did it anyway when I was asked. This boy was very nice if not far too young for me. As we were "dancing" he said something to the effect of "You can find me on Facebook." I knew I wasn't going to do this for many reasons, but thought that that is a sad way to get to know someone.

Let me share a story from last summer. I was at a tri-ward FHE where the boys were all from a ward different from my own (and the boys in my ward were with girls from a different ward). I spent the evening chatting and flirting with a boy. When it came to the end of the night and we were parting ways, he asked for my last name so he could "stalk me on Facebook".  Yeah, nothing ever happened.

He should have just asked for my number. I mean if he was really interested. Facebook has lots of great things about it--I love staying connected with all my family all over the place, I love staying connected with friends I've moved away from.  And I myself have used it to stalk people I like, then get disappointed when their profile is private or, worse, they aren't even on  Facebook. But, I really do not want to be "friends " with a crush on Facebook, or have have someone use it in place of calling me. I want someone to get to know me by actually talking to me, not by looking at all my pictures and seeing things I like and conversations I have with friends. And I don't want to learn all about someone that way either, and I certainly don't want to be wondering about other girls I see them with in photos!

I went through my Facebook friends the other day to see if I could get rid of anyone.  The majority of my friends are family members. The rest were people I actually care about staying in contact with. For me, it's not a place for casual aquantances or a place where I send potential dating opportunities. It's for people who already know me. And they know that I'm better in person than the snippets on my Wall.

The School Debate

When I entered grad school last year my brother told me that guys were not interested in girls with Masters. Since then we've had many discussions about this topic. He claims that guys, especially guys in Utah, are intimidated by a girl with too much education, and that said girls will languish in single-dom. I steadfastly refused to believe this, claiming that I wouldn't want a guy who was intimidated by my education anyway. And he'd counter saying that I wouldn't find it in Utah.

My friend Summer and I discussed this same topic the other day. She concurred with my brother, saying that level of education is way more important to girls than it is to guys. She argued that it interfered with their natural desire/need to be the provider, and having a girl that could possibly make more than them was emasculating. Once again I tried to object, stating that plenty of guys want girls who are educated and that a Masters degree shouldn't dissuade them from asking me out.

There's a guy I know that has never asked about my school or what I'm doing. He asks about everything else, and when I mention that I'm busy with classes or doing homework, there are never any follow up questions. Yesterday this started to bother me, mainly because I did not want to be proven wrong, especially by my brother.

So I opened up a discussion on Facebook, and there were some great points made, many of them coming from dudes themselves! A lot of them said it depended on the guy, and that a guy would be insecure in himself to not appreciate a girl's educational achievements. One very interesting point made by my friend Jodee (a dude)made this great statement: Intelligence matters, not just the level of education completed. There are more than a few very dull minded people in the world with high level degrees. And my friend Greg made a good point that he doesn't care about a girl's education, but how she treats people, what she knows about events in the world, does she respect Veterans and others who risk their lives. Ya know, her character.

In no way do I think that getting a Masters degree means I am more intelligent than people around me who haven't. I may be more knowledgeable on the subject of planning, but certainly not in other areas. I struggle putting together coherent thoughts and sentences, and I have a hard time synthesizing large amounts of information. For me, getting a Masters degree was more a necessity; I was changing career paths and my Bachelors wouldn't get me anywhere. I could, on the slimmest of chances, get a job in a planning related field, but to move up at all and be considered a real planner I would need a Masters anyway. At that time (and still now) I had no prospect of getting married and knew I would need to support myself.

I currently do not have the option to have kids and be a stay-at-home mom. Even if I were married, I might still not have the option. Because other girls aren't getting their Masters (or already have them) does not mean they are not intelligent. Education and learning is life-long, and does not need to be in a classroom. It comes from reading and discussing, living and discovering, trying and overcoming. I think guys in general are attracted to that.

But on the point of guys being "intimidated" by a girl with a Masters degree, I still believe that any guy I would want to even consider marrying would have to think it was pretty cool. Are some guys intimidated by it, most definitely. Do I think the reason I am not married is because I'm pursuing a Masters, most definitely not. We just haven't found each other yet.

Day 3: Perfect Date

My description of the perfect date. Hmm. I feel like I'm a fairly simple girl when it comes to dating. I don't need big elaborate dates that require a lot of work. I'm really just a dinner and a movie type of gal. I guess the date would be pretty perfect if we saw an awesome movie together that we were able to discuss over dinner (or lunch). Then we'd go for a walk, maybe get some ice cream (or gelato!) and just talk about random things. At the end, when he's walked me to my door, we'd have that awkward moment that I really hate. But hopefully we have a great hug and he says something about wanting to do it again. That would be pretty perfect.

Return of the Bachelor (A Rant)

The Bachelor returns tonight. This isn't just any Bachelor, but Bachelor Brad Womack. He's already been the bachelor once before, and when he didn't pick either girl at the end of his "journey of love," he was vilified publicly from everyone from Oprah to Ellen to random housewives and college girls. Apparently, it would have been better for him to lie to one of the girls, say he loved them, propose marriage, and then have it end a few months later. I think that would've been A LOT worse. We claim to want honesty out of guys, but when we actually get it we are angry that they don't feel the same way. Yes, it hurts when someone doesn't return your feelings (and I strongly question those feelings felt on a dating show where you are competing with 20 other girls and only see the guy minimally) but it sure is better than having them lie to you and then hurt you even more later when they break your phony engagement.

I actually commend him for recognizing that he wasn't feeling it with either of the girls, and instead of cheapening the engagement going for honesty instead. I think both girls, Deanna and Jenni, would actually feel relieved and thankful that he didn't lie to them. We all get hurt and hurt others in relationships, and what matters is when you find the one who IS right you are different. He clearly didn't pick either girl because neither was right, and both of them are engaged now so he clearly wasn't their right one, either.

And while I'm on it, the girls on this show are Crazy with a capital C! They already think the Bachelor is their husband, that he's their soulmate. They haven't even met him!! My friends and I enjoy watching it together and commenting on the crazies and the meanies, the strange ones and the seemingly normal ones. If nothing else, it's a good conversation starter on dating and gender roles. And usually, it's good for a for laughs.

Tangled Thoughts

Today I saw Tangled again. Yes, I had already seen it on Thanksgiving. But my mom's work hosts a movie every year for their employees and their families, and since the grandkids are currently partyin' it up in Disneyland, and because honestly I really wanted to see it again, I got to go. I went even though my mom was sick and didn't make it.

It's hard for me to explain why exactly I love this movie so much (my only complaint is that I wish they had kept the title Rapunzel). For one, it brings back that Disney nostalgia from my childhood, when my sister and I would watch The Little Mermaid over and over. I really feel like a kid when I watch it. As I've gotten older, and more cynical, I've had a tendency to deride a lot of the Disney movies and their princesses, who seemed to only want to find their prince. To me, life should be more about discovering yourself and traveling and learning than finding your prince. The Disney Princesses seemed to be the antithesis of feminism.

What I've slowly come to understand, though, is that feminism doesn't mean the opposite of being that girl who only looks for their prince, the girl who wants to be a wife and mother. It's about having the choice to do whatever you want as a female, and to not be judged by other women for your choices. Being a wife, a mother, a working girl, a singleton are all roles we can choose to have, and all are important.

Rapunzel goes on this great journey (albeit in two days) where she fulfills her dream, saves the guy, and handles herself quite well. Does she get the guy in the end? Yes. And there's nothing wrong with that. There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to find your prince. I'm 27 and I'm looking for mine and my happily-ever-after. But I'm also traveling, learning, finding myself. These are the things I'm supposed to be doing. I think most people want to find their prince/princess, and we shouldn't have to feel sheepish about it. I love that Rapunzel is daring and optimistic, driven and kind, loving and fearless. She's entirely her own person with dreams and goals, and it's just a bonus that along the way she also met her prince.

In case my words aren't making sense (it's sorta late and I'm possibly tired) here's some dude's thoughts on it that I agree with:

I see what you’re saying about wanting to have the whole idea of Rapunzel finding herself and being a self-sufficient woman. However, her having the happy ending of being with the prince does not negate her realization of her making her own destiny, i.e. upholding the ideology of feminism. I think people get confused in thinking that the girl finding the right guy and getting married = the girl sacrificing her independence and being dominated by patriarchal societal norms. But that is not the case. Feminism isn’t about women dominating men; it’s about women having choices, and if a woman chooses to be with a man, the way Rapunzel chooses to be with Flynn/Eugene, then she is being true to herself and her desire. And her having that happy ending is not an anti-modern notion, the way people seem to see it today.

It's also nice that her prince is funny, and has the voice of Zachary Levi, who totally rocks the beard.

Stuff My Brother Tells Me

So my car had a heart attack on Friday. My brother came over Saturday morning to check it out, and after a bit of time, it was discovered that Afton (that's my car) needs a new timing belt. Instead of lamenting that fact and wallowing in it (which I might blog about later) let me fill you in on the advice my brother gave me as we drove around.
--do not over-think guys
--guys do not use special codes or hidden messages; don't try to find them
--guys are not like your girlfriends, so don't expect the same things from them
--sometimes you've got to be a little aggressive and straight up

I share this with you, in case some of you don't have a brother and are in need of a male's perspective. Everything he told me is almost the exact opposite of what my female friends tell me. Strange.

Funny Things My Nieces Say

One night, as I was walking with my mom and niece Elliett downtown to a Jazz game, I commented while passing the Union Pacific Depot that I wanted my wedding reception to be there. Elliett looked up at me as I held her hand and asked the all-important question, "Do you have a boyfriend?" I told her no, no boyfriend. Her reply, "Well shouldn't you have one before you get married?"

Last week, as I was combing Ivy's hair as she sat and colored at my mom's house, I asked her if she thought I'd have kids of my own whose hair I could comb one day. She said yes. I asked her if Emily would have kids of her own one day, too. She promptly replied No. Sorry Em.

Kids. They just know so much.

Ward Date Night

A few lessons learned from my Ward Date Night Activity:
--throwing a bunch of single people together and pairing them up is a good idea in theory
--yeah, we get it, we should be dating
--even though I was the same me all night long, each "date" was decidedly very different and netted different feelings
--when you sit down with a girl/guy, don't immediately bombard with these questions in rapid succession: what do you do for fun, where do you work, what can I know about you?
--the best dates are the ones where you just talk about whatever, without having to pin down every single rudimentary question in the first few minutes
--don't come on too strong
--I have very different ideas about dating than some girls
--if there are awkward silences on the drive home, and you don't care about it enough to try to make conversation, it's not a good sign
--dating is really about finding that person you have some sort of connection with, and unfortunately it doesn't always happen on the first, second, third, fourth one

And the single greatest thing I realized last night was that I am an awkward hugger. Regardless of whether I like you or don't, I can't seem to get the hug just right. If I like you it's awkward because, well, I like you and I'm thinking about it too much. If I don't, then it's awkward because I don't want to be that close to you.

If My Life Was A Movie

Friday night I headed downtown to meet my sister at Gateway for a movie (Robin Hood, pretty decent, but go in knowing that it is a huge set-up movie and there are clearly plans for a sequel, so you won't be disappointed). As I exited the train I saw a man standing by the map, holding a smaller, paper map in his hand. He clearly needed help, so I swooshed in and asked if I could help him.

He had just arrived in America the day before from England and was now trying to get to his friend's house where he was staying. I stared at his map and tried to give him the best directions, and felt pretty confident that I was leading him in the right direction. As he said thank you, I told him that when I had been in London and was lost just as he was, a nice gentleman stopped to help me and that I was just paying forward the help. He smiled and thanked me again.

As I walked away, I couldn't help but think that if my life was a movie, I would've turned around and asked for his name. We would've exchanged numbers, and his time here in Salt Lake would've been spent with me. We would miraculously be super into each other, as is only the case in the movies, and we would've been each others "ones". You know that this always happens in the movies, from What A Girl Wants to Chasing Liberty to pretty much any chick-flick.

My life is not a movie, though, or even a fairly decent tv show. I helped him and was on my way, and that is that. Even if he was my "one", I'm pretty sure that he's not the only "one" and I won't be set to suffer through life looking for him. Cuz man, wouldn't that be awful.

Your Highest Priority

Stake Conference today. A nice change from the normal routine. One thing that never changes from the routine: the iteration that we need to get married. As if all us singles sitting in the chapel and gym need to be reminded of it. But apparently we do. We also need to be told that it should be our highest priority, since the average age of our stake is a shocking 26! Yeah, next week I'll be above-average.

Even though I don't like the idea of making marriage the endpoint and goal of your life like you're playing a game (because you'll still have to live and struggle and wake up and go to school and all that even after you're married) I'll do my part and ask my friends and family if they know of anyone. If he could look like this, that would be great. But I'm not picky. There. Nothing more high priority than putting it on your blog.

P.S. Race-day pictures coming. Even though I found my camera my SDcard isn't correctly working, and once I get that figured out there will be a post with pics of me and kiddies.

Social Interaction

Last night my friend Cat and I went to a friend's for a Soup Party. Many people were invited and many people showed up. I always feel a bit awkward in big social gatherings where I don't know a lot of the people; it's hard for me to just jump into conversation or start one with someone I don't know. Some people are great at this but I am not. So with Cat there as my security blanket (and I for her) we spent a good part of the evening sitting on a crowded couch talking with each other. This isn't bad, but probably not the best way to meet other people. But again, big crowds is not really where I feel comfortable and would much rather have a very small group where I can not feel like I'm competing with other people for talk time.

As Cat and I were getting ready to the end the night, I decided to make an attempt to talk to a girl that I saw just standing in a corner not talking to anyone. Making small talk with strangers is not my forte, but I tried. We talked for a little before I felt awkward and Cat walked over to help me out. When it was clear the conversation was over, Cat left me to get a drink of water and I was left standing by myself, feeling a bit awkward. There was a boy standing next to me, and we both sort of just looked over at each other, and he introduced himself.

And then I felt less awkward. I feel like I can present myself really well when it's just one-on-one, and we had a nice, funny conversation about some llamas his roommate used to have that he once helped cut the toenails of. It was going great (and I was even wondering if he'd ask for my number) when I inadvertently made eye contact with a guy who was passing. Apparently this is party code for "Come over and talk to me." I was not aware of this, as I'm not a party type of person.

Well he introduced himself and started talking, and talking, and talking. And all of a sudden I was stuck between two boys, wishing one would stop talking so I could continue talking with the other. I tried including the first boy in the conversation, but it was hard as the second guy was talking a lot. I tried turning my body to the first boy so he would know I wasn't trying to cut him loose as the other boy kept talking.

In the end, I'm not really sure what happened. Somehow the scene was broken up and I left without talking to first guy again. I never know what to do in these situations, and I'm sad to say that I left with a little bit of regret. But I also felt good for going to a party and meeting two new people, people that happened to be guys.

I've been thinking a lot about dating lately, probably thanks to my friend Jeff and his post about dating and his last words--you only need to be successful once. No matter how many crappy dates you go on or how many you don't, you only need for there to be one good one. My friend Tamara, who got married to one of her good ones today, can attest to that after going on 31 Dates in 31 days. It can happen. With just a little bit of effort, it just takes one.

Cat and I had our thoughts of doing a similar dating project. We even started a blog. It has sadly been sitting in it's same form since August. No dates or set ups. Cat and I realized last night that we are not well-connected enough people to really do it. So really, if any of you readers know of anyone, I'm welcome to set ups and blind dates. Just putting it out there. Because all it takes is one successful date.